Every single day is a constant struggle to keep the problems of my life in perspective, but it is so hard sometimes.
One Year Ago Today
All I did was play poker for over 13 hours, and it was a roller coaster. I took beat after beat to dwindle down, then get back to even, then back down again, and ultimately I lost just $20.
I don’t think I need to explain the title but I’m in a contemplative mood right now so I will. I’ll start by saying that lately I’ve been really having a hard time accepting my perpetual singleness, more so than I can remember in the last 8 years. I get so angry and sad because all I’ve ever wanted since as long as I can remember is to find a girl to be with the rest of my life, and to have kids and start a family. It’s the one thing I’ve always wanted, yet it’s the one thing that seems so impossible. Some days I want to curse at God for giving me this intense desire with nothing more than infrequent shreds of hope that it might actually come true. Meanwhile I see couples every day who managed to find someone that they care about and who cares about them in return. That seems like a miracle to me and maybe it is, yet it seems to happen all the time.
I could go on about this forever but my point is that it’s easy for me to wallow in self-pity about this, and think that my life is terrible because I can’t seem to have the only thing I want. But through the pain of solitude there are moments when I remember how easy I have it in other ways, and how many hardships other people have to deal with which I know nothing about. I have a loving family, a warm apartment, and enough money to live comfortably from my good job of which I enjoy most days and work less hours than most people. Those things alone should be plenty to be thankful for. There are also problems that I don’t have in my life, like trying to support a parent or a child on low wages, physical or financially-crippling addiction, or fear of danger. One reason I don’t think I would ever commit suicide is because I always think about the blessings I have, and no matter how much I think my life sucks I always remember the ways in which I know it really doesn’t. You could look at these timely revelations as rationalities of a logical mind, or divine understanding from God. For me, I think it’s clearly from God since I don’t think I could deal with any of this on my own.
I woke up at noon to check my phone and see if I heard anything about going or not going to Foxwoods, but since there was nothing I assumed we weren’t going still. I went back to sleep but just laid there for another hour, and then I got up. I wasn’t sure how I was going to spend my day, but I called my dad and then just started playing Second Son. I didn’t feel like leaving the house today although it was nice out, but I did go out to get Chinese food for dinner. I played for about 3 hours and then watched the last Knicks game of the season. It was an intense one since we got down by 21 but quickly came back and won a tight one. We still aren’t in the playoffs but at least we finished as strong as we could.
After the game I watched the ESPN game while playing Diablo. I tried beating Malthael (the expansion’s final boss) again, and I tweaked my strategy which was really all I needed. Once I got him down below halfway he went to his second form or stage, and I was able to then beat him in that try. So I’ve finished Act V and now I have to beat that act with my other characters. I also started a crusader finally, and I got him to level 8 and stopped for the night. I like starting a new character, and since it’s a new class I get to learn all new moves and understand how he fights. What I’ll probably do is play him through an act and then play through Act V with one of my other characters, and then keep alternating like that. I also cleaned out my stash so I freed up a lot of room for new weapons and equipment and got rid of the crap I didn’t need.
I caught up on Jeopardy and Cosmos, and I really wanted to watch Swordfish. Ever since starting it the other day I felt I needed to finish it, which is why I watched that instead of the other shows I’m behind on or my Netflix movie. I really didn’t remember any of it, but it was an enjoyable movie. I thought John Travolta was a really great bad guy, and the opening monologue was pretty intriguing (which is why I couldn’t play Diablo before when trying to watch it). Now I’m going to bed after 7am, although I feel like just staying up. There’s no reason to though since I was tired all day and have done everything already. So tomorrow I’ll just do it all again. Thanks for reading, and “Please just don’t play with me / My paper heart will bleed / This wait for destiny won’t do / Be with me please, I beseech you / Simple things that make you run away / Catch you if I can.”
—Eric Del Medico